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brilliant_brunette2905
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Name: Jordana Location: Birthday: 10/2/1990
Interests: I'm Jordana, and I will never be able to please all of you. Sometimes I have problems accepting that, but eventually I'll get over it. I am who God made me to be and no one else. I have faith and I won't hide it, but that doesn't mean I'll shove it down your throat either. Don't jump to conclusions with me; I won't pretend to be "holier than thou." I get anxious and scared and I cry. a lot. I overanalyze everything and anything. I even curse when I stub my toe, just like the rest of you. I'm currently dating my bestfriend. I don't talk much until you break my shell, and then you're probably going to wish I'd just shutup. I'm estatic that summer is here, and even happier that I'll finally be a junior in the fall. I'm on yearbook staff and apart of the 2007-08 Varsity Highsteppers dance team. I've been dancing since I could walk, and you might find me practicing pirouettes in my kitchen. I carry my camera everywhere. I won't claim to be perfect because I'm not. Occupation: Artist
Message: message meEmail: email me Website: visit my website AIM: jordie x33
Member Since:
8/30/2004
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| I
hate being bitter, maybe more than I hate feel jealous. Those kind of
emotions make me feel like a complete idiot. How does someone not
living in a starving, third-world country have any right to feel
jealous or bitter? Sometimes I can't stand my own stupidity.
Because despite everything, I do feel miserable to a point where I
blame everyone who's happier than me. (Haven't I preached about how
sick that is? I think I have. I'm pretty sure that makes me a hypocrite
on top of everything else.) I'm mad as hell at couples and this stupid
holiday. I'm even annoyed at those cute little diamond commercials, or
the greeting card industry. Not to mention the fact that I can't drive
up to HEB for a gallon of milk without passing about a billion stuffed
bears holding pink hearts and assorted chocolates. How pathetic does
that make me? It's completely illogical, I know. I'm like the
stereotypical heart-broken girl in every romantic comedy who swears
she'll never find the right guy and settle down and then falls head
over heals for Matthew McConaughey (minus Matthew).
And I really can't stand being weak. I find it so hilarious when
someone tries to tell me how much they admire my strength. Really, you
think I'm a strong person? Have you ever met me? Sure it's nice that
you believe in me, but seriously. I cry over EVERYTHING, sometimes
nothing. I'm incapable of going anywhere by myself. I hate speaking in
public. I fear confrontation. Worst of all, I'm so needy I'll change
all my moral values for you in an instant. As long as you love me...
And now that I'm alone again, now that I can't run away from all my
demons anymore, now I can't even try and fake being strong. I can't
even put on a front so that my enemies won't think they got the best of
me. Well, guess what? I screwed up. You won. I'm not happy, I'm not
better than you, I was wrong. I just proved I'm everything you've ever
called me behind my back. I'm a bitch, slut, stupid, ugly, crazy,
pathetic person. I hope you're happy, because I won't be for awhile.
Apathy is a scary thing. I hope this doesn't last forever. Although, if
I've learned anything lately, it's that nothing is forever. It's
supposed to get better, right? I'll find my footing again sooner or
later. | | |
| I wrote this for myself, but I thought others could find some use of it.
Today I will not let anyone walk all over me. Today I will st op doubting myself. Today I will stop depending on others to make me happy. Today I will accept I cannot change anyone but myself. Today I will step one foot in front of the other. Today I will appreciate simplicity. Today I will choose my battles. Today I will not take anything or anyone for granted. Today I will not overreact. Today I will not let the weather reflect my mood. Today I will stand my ground. Today I will smile even if I feel like crumbling. Today I will remember it's okay to cry. Today I will take on the impossible. Today I will forge my own path. Today I will remember where I came from. Today I will take the good with the bad. Today I will respect my enemies. Today I will stabilize myself. Today I will remember to breathe. Today I will ground myself in my beliefs. Today I will fight the good fight. Today I will have faith in God, and myself. Today I will be stronger than I was yesterday.
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| I
can't remember the last time I wrote my feelings out. That's probably
why I feel so broken, I've been harboring all my hopelessness inside.
That can't be healthy, not for me at least. I'm not sure when I lost my composure, but it's beginning to scare me. I feel stripped of my confidence. And I wish so desperately I could prove to everyone I'm not this desperate. I want to show you everything inside of me, that I'm not as pathetic as I've been acting.
And I know I'll be okay eventually. I just don't feel like waiting
around for "eventually." What bugs me the most is I can't even be in
control of my own emotions. I hate that I didn't choose this, but I
still have to deal with the consequences. I hate being out of control.
It's not fair. I know that sounds childish, but I guess I'm feeling
pretty childish lately..which is only slightly ironic considering I
turn 17 in three weeks. I'm going to be completely honest here. I
normally think sharing all kinds of personal information on blogs etc.
isn't appropriate. I try to keep my entries pretty vague. But I don't
really feel like I have much to lose anymore. I guess everyone has
to go through their first real heartbreak. (And maybe this isn't it
yet, but it sure feels close.) Blindly, I thought I wouldn't have to.
Honestly, I didn't think about it when I decided to start dating. I
just thought about how amazing it felt to have another human being
think I was pretty and fun and intelligent. I didn't even consider what
would happen if that same person took it all away without even asking
me if I was ready for it to be over. Because it doesn't really matter
what I think. I can't make anyone love me. It's not healthy to hold
onto a dead relationship. And a gracious loser would shake your hand
and retreat. I've never been a gracious loser. I
could say that I've learned a lesson and that I won't make the same
mistake twice. But what mistake did I make? Trusting too easily?
Believing "forever" really meant forever? Mixing spirituality into my
relationship? I'm not sure those are lessons I wanted to learn. I don't
want to go into my next relationship with issues left over from my last
relationship. I'm not even sure I want a "next relationship." And I
certainly never wanted a "last relationship." And now all I'm left with is a shaken faith and a "maybe sometime in the future..." Well, maybe I won't want you sometime in the future. Maybe I want you now. Did you ever think of that, eh buddy? I
don't think I've ever been filled with this much hurt, and this empty
at the same time. Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't mean to hurt me? Well, what
did you think this would do to me? Oh, it's for the best, is it? Yeah,
and who gets to decide that? Nevertheless, I'll never really walk
away from you for good. Yeah, I'm angry. But I'll get over it. Because
I don't think I can ever live without my bestfriend. That's how we
started out. And maybe that's how we should have stayed. Maybe then I wouldn't feel like 7 months of my life was just wasted. I'm just being honest. | | |
| This is probably the worst summer I've ever had. It's almost half way over and I feel like I've wasted it. My family is kinda low on money right now, with Highstepper dues and remodeling my parents' bathroom and all. And then throw in my puppy getting sick and racking up over 1,000 dollars in vet bills. He's okay now, but I was so scared I was going to lose another dog after less than 2 years. I wouldn't be able to handle that. My brother is coming to visit for a few days, which is nice since I haven't seen him since Christmas. Or it would be nice, if he wasn't leaving for Iraq in July for at least 6 months. And I haven't been to church at all this month, mostly because I can't afford gas. I don't think I'll be able to pay for camp this year, either. Like I said, worst summer yet. I'd almost rather repeat last summer, as stressful as that was. I'm not meaning to throw a little pitty party for myself, I just feel like venting. And this is probably the most uplifting song I've heard in awhile, I'm in love with the lyrics:
My girl America is just a youth in this world
Her smile is more precious than the sparkle of pearls
And though her age reads she's just a young girl
The age behind her eyes show the pain that she's swirled
Through the hand that's been dealt though it's quiet as kept
The weight that she felt last night when she slept
And as she crept into the dreams of the things of her past
Seems to have grown so fast, way beyond her own class
Though they're right there with her, her brothers and her sisters
A natural born leader even when her peers dis her
My girl, she's at a crossroads, people praying for her
Some are preying on her magazine ads, sex, drama
Smoking marijuana, longer for a father to call her, 'daughter'
She's part of a generation longing for reconciliation
And this future that they're facing and this poison that they're tasting
My girl, I know this love you're chasing
My girl America's crying when she's lying on her bed at night
I can see that she's screaming when she's dreaming for her freedom
My girl America's dying while she's trying just to stop this fight
Don't stop believing, my girl America
Boys with hungry eyes have been beating her door
Telling her that's what she's for, trying to rob at her core
Then leave calling her a whore, but still she knows there's more
I know she knows there's more because there is a voice she can't ignore
'Cause it was founded in the foundations, from the day of her creation
In God we trust engraved on the treasures of her nation
And the void that the boys can't fill
With the tipping of the bottle or the popping of the pill
But still most of her friends don't care as they glare
Ready to drown down the funnel as they frown down the tunnel
They stumble and they tumble breaking down into rubble
My girl America, stop can't you see
It's not the circumstances that determine who you're gonna be
But how you deal with these problems and pains that come your way
It's for you that I pray with hope for a brighter day
And so I say, your deliverance is coming
Faith like a child from your first birth
You left it in the dirt on your worst hurt
And I see each tear and every scar
The hands that have held you where you are
And I can see we've strayed so far
A king born under that morning star
As a crown of thorns was placed to erase Each tear that's touched your face
And his palms and sides were pierced with spears
He hung in love just to draw you near
My girl, out of this whole world
Can't you see this is where we started? ---Mat Kearney "My Girl America"

 thousand dollar puppy


 it's not much, I know. | | |
|    Hello darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again. Because a vision softly creeping, Left its seeds while I was sleeping. And the vision that was planted in my brain Still remains Within the sound of silence. In restless dreams I walked alone. Narrow streets of cobblestone, Beneath the halo of a street lamp, I turned my collar to the cold and damp. When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of A neon light That split the night And touched the sound of silence. And in the naked light I sawTen thousand people, maybe more.People talking without speaking,People hearing without listening,People writing songs that voices never shareAnd no one daredDisturb the sound of silence.Fools said I, you do not know Silence like a cancer grows.Hear my words that I might teach you, Take my arms that I might reach you. But my words like silent raindrops fell, And echoed In the wells of silence. And the people bowed and prayed To the neon God they made. And the sign flashed out its warning, In the words that it was forming. And the signs said, the words of the prophets Are written on the subway walls And tenement halls. And whisperd in the sounds of silence. - Simon & Garfunkel, "The Sound of Silence"PROM: 
and SUMMER (so far):   theend | | |
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